When Off Brands Go Too Far: Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookies (Confetti Cake Batter Flavor)

When a company comes together to design an off-brand product, they find themselves in a veritable sea of possibilities. Free to discard the constraints and expectations that anchor the established product in the past, the off-brand creator has a unique opportunity to bring something beautiful into the world. Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookies Made With Magical Confetti Cake Batter Flavor is not such a product.

Hi. I’m the Off Brand Guy, and I have a sweet tooth. I’m particularly fond of things like the delicious Tillamook Vanilla Bean Ice Cream Sandwich, the best store brand Mountain Dew knock-off, or maybe Kroger Vanilla Ice Cream. And I like cookies. How about Kroger KaleidOs Original Chocolate? Or even Walmart’s fantastic take on store brand Girl Scout-style cookies?

The point is, I know a thing or two about cookies. Especially inexpensive cookies. So I had the highest expectations when I purchased a box of Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookies. Let’s talk about my experience.

Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookies Review

Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookies
Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookies

First off I have to say that Sparkly Unicorn Cookies are among the most beautiful cookies I have ever seen. The vibrant, almost electric pink, blue, and white color combination is like a blooming flower from some mystical SciFi alien world. It catches the eye and would certainly draw attention when opened at your kid’s birthday party or school event. However the most important thing about a cookie is the flavor.

What does Sparkly Unicorn taste like anyway? And why would you want to eat a Unicorn? I always imagined Unicorn would taste similar to horse burgers. I guess I was wrong.

The package proudly proclaims, “Magical Confetti Cake Batter Flavor”. Now we’re getting somewhere. I know from my favorite neighborhood bar that Unicorn-styled beverages are supposed to be colorful and sweet. So it makes sense that these things involve confetti and cake batter.

Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookie Close-up
Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookie Close-up

Kroger Sparkly Unicorn Cookies Are Just WAY Too Sweet

As we learned in the 1931 documentary Frankenstein, sometimes science goes too far. And let me tell you, it happened again with Kroger’s Sparkly Unicorn Cookies. The mad food scientists at Kroger have successfully compressed the flavor of an entire slice of birthday cake into just one bite-sized cookie.

They are the most overpowering cookies I have ever tasted.

When I eat sandwich-style cookies, I like to eat an entire “stack”. Not a good habit for weight loss. But a good one for enjoying the small things in life. And with these cookies, even the second cookie is a chore.

Anything beyond that is like trying to finish a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts by yourself before they go stale. It is simply too much flavor for one man to handle.

So I must sadly report that Kroger KaleidOs Sparkly Unicorn Cookies are not an off-brand product that I would recommend. If they are too sweet for me then they are too sweet for just about anyone. Instead, try Kroger KaleidOs Original Chocolate flavor. Now that is one fine cookie.

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